Publication:
MaximumRockNRoll

Author:
Felix Von Havoc

MRR #215
April Fools Column, 2001

My working life has taken a dramatic change over the last few months. I‚m now working more or less full time buying rare punk records. This is pretty much a dream job for me. I spend all day looking for rare records on the net and in classifieds and I get to travel to record conventions and stores all over the USA, and soon the world. How this came to be is a strange story and I had to make certain compromises along the way but to be honest it was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

The whole thing started last thanksgiving at my Uncle's place in Dayton, Ohio. I have a cousin who is a few years older than me who works as an investment broker on Wall Street. We sat down during half time to take a long at my retirement plan and meager investment portfolio. My cousin was disappointed at how little money I had contributed into my IRA over the years. I told him I wasn't too interested in investments and if I was really hard up I could sell my record collection, which I assured him was plenty valuable. This got us to talking about the kind of records I collected. I told him I had plenty of records I'd bought for 2 or 3 dollars in the 80's that were now worth several hundred dollars. He was so interested that we forgot all about the game and logged onto the net where I showed him the selling prices of several rare records on Ebay. He was really intrigued and spent all afternoon looking at records on Ebay, asking me questions and doing calculations on his notebook computer.

A few days later back in Minnesota I get a cal l from my cousin in New York he chats me up a bit and asks me if we can bring his boss in for a conference call. This guy asks me if I 'd like to work in their collectible investments division buying rare records for investors. These guys are collecting punk records? I asked myself. Well, yes, as a matter of fact they are. Basically it's like this. Since the NASDAQ went into the shitter a lot of investors predict a protracted period of low returns from the stock market. Many investment brokers are diversifying their client's portfolios into varied strategic holdings that will gain value at a rate comparable to the market. One increasingly popular instrument is collectibles. Investors buy shares in a trust which has money invested in thousands of collectible items. These are then auctioned off at a future date after they have gained in value and the proceeds factored back into the trust in the form of dividends. The trust invests in hundreds of different areas and has hired experts in several fields to buy and warehouse collectibles for the firm. All of the collectibles are graded, cataloged and stored in a warehouse in New Mexico. Starting in about five years a certain percentage will be auctioned off every month and the profit taking will begin.

Where do I fit in to this? I'm now one of the "experts" who buys, grades and catalogs collectible records. My job description lists me as an "expert on punk, hardcore and heavy metal records 1975 to present." I get a budget usually about 40,000$ a month just to buy rare punk records. Mostly I buy on Ebay, but I also scour used stores and attend record conventions etc. I've been haggling for some time to get approval to travel and shop in Japan and Europe, my superiors can't understand that every rare record isn't available on the net and you actually find the best deals in out of the way shops. All the records are shipped to my house where I inspect and grade them. I then catalog them on a master data base with their purchase price and estimated value. These are then shipped once a week to New Mexico (where labor and warehouse space are very cheap) to an enormous warehouse complex. I've yet to see the warehouse but when we start auctioning and shipping the records I'll probably get to check it out. I'm told it's not as cool as you would think since everything is vacuum sealed in white plastic bags with barcode stickers as the only identification on the outside. For the next few years we will only by buying, our budget ultimately determined by how much money investors pay into the trust. When we start selling it will be my job to pick which items to sell and oversee the auctions etc. Of course I'm only a small part in this operation. The firm recruited collectors in all sorts of fields. There is a guy who just buys Kiss collectibles. Two guys in New Orleans who buy Jazz and R&B records and collectibles. A few guys who buy classic cars and hot rods. Several women who buy antique furniture and clothes and lots of toy, comic book, and sports card specialists. The only other specialists I've met here in the Twin Cities are sports collectors but the Kiss dude is from Milwaukee and we frequently go to conventions together and share a rental car. He's about 40, a Kiss fan to the bone, and describes his job as a "fanboys wet dream come true" I guess I've gotta agree. Right now our stipend is pretty low, but we figure out ways to pad our earnings with the expense account. However, when we start selling the items we are stockpiling now we will get a percentage of the sales (this is the main incentive for us to buy and sell wisely) and I think my income will really take off at that time. A few of the pioneers in this field were buying stuff in the "old economy" and warehousing it. When Ebay took off they auctioned off whole warehouses of sports cards, movie collectibles etc. and literally made millions! Now, the internet revolution has given us instant access to a world market and prices are somewhat inflated but collectibles are still gaining value, usually at a rate higher than and inflation and sometimes much more. I still remember how my cousins eyes lit up when I told him that a Necros or Fix 7" that sold for 2 or 3 dollars in the early 80's were now selling for over 1,000 dollars on Ebay. Only the most skillful and lucky stockbrokers find stocks with that sort of performance. I don't just buy rare records of course, I try to speculate on future trends by buying numerous copies of what I think will be collectible in the future, colored vinyl, limited editions etc. For example I've shipped 32 copies of the Charles Bronson LP with the Metal Cover to the warehouse already. I've got standing orders with several popular labels for 10-20 copies of every limited edition record they release.

I guess the main problem I've had so far was compromising my ethics. First, I'm now in the direct pay of a major Wall Street Investment firm. The exact sort of corporations I used to attack in my band's lyrics. This was the hardest pill to swallow. Still, I retain a lot of independence, I work from my house not their office. I don't wear a suit or any of that, but I still feel a little strange plopping down a corporate gold visa and cashing those checks. But when you think about it, we are all prostituting ourselves for big corporations in one way or another. If I didn't do this job someone else would, so why not me. Really, why pass up a chance to collect punk records for a living! The other hard bargain was that these records are not going to be enjoyed by actual fans of the music. They are sitting vacuum sealed in a warehouse, maybe for decades. But when you think about it, all these records will eventually be re sold to collectors (albeit at higher prices) and in the interim we are preserving them in mint condition for future enthusiasts. I've been accused of driving up prices. Since I have more or less unlimited buying power I can always outbid everyone on Ebay. (And frequently do) This is partially true but I don't think my $40,000 grand a month is exerting to great a strain on a collectible record market that probably does millions of dollars a year in sales. Anyway, rising prices are driving up the value of everyone's existing collections. The most distasteful part is buying records I don't like for purely economic reasons. I have 100 copies of Rocket From the Crypt "cut and play" sitting on the floor ready to ship to the warehouse, and I've bought a few Skrewdriver records that were way under priced as well. I also have to buy a lot of NYHC Mosh Core stuff that I don't really care for, but that stuff goes up in value pretty fast so I can't pass it up. I really wanted to buy the MRR collection, as it represented quite a value, but since condition is very important to collectors I had to pass it up. You should have seen the condition of this collection! I can't stand seeing a 500$ record turned into a worthless scrap after being wrapped in green duct tape.

I wouldn't say this job doesn't have some hazards, spending all day at a computer terminal has caused me to put on a few pounds and squinting at the classifieds in Goldmine has lead to a trip to the optometrist for eyeglasses. There is also the temptation to buy some of the items I'm purchasing for the firm for my own collection. I've had to resist this temptation quite a bit, as the firms buying power allows me to buy records I could never afford on my own. Not to say I don't occasionally snag one of the bargains that comes through, but for the most part I have to wince and pack them into the box to the warehouse. At least I get to listen to every record while I'm grading them. As I said before, this job doesn't pay so well now, I'm buying fewer records for myself than I did when I was working construction, but I think it will all pay off in the future when I start selling on commission. Serious collectors take note. When my firm starts auctioning its holdings this will be no doubt the biggest punk record collection in the world. In just four months I've managed to buy about 2,500 records. Granted many of these are new releases bit I've got quiet a few big ticket gems as well.

Altogether my new calling has led me to re examine a lot of my personal ideas about music and shed much of my youthful idealism. As I get older its harder and harder for me to compare myself, the thirty-something investor, to the young rebel of yesterday. I guess everybody makes sacrifices and compromises as they grow up and I've thought seriously about what I've done. I know some people will call me a sell out, but I wonder what they would do if they were offered the same position. Ironically I'm actually glad now that Bush won the election. Since I derive much of my living from internet transactions I was horrified at the idea that a Democratic administration would try to tax the net. Whatever you have to say about Bush, he's good for E-Business, and that's really what's driving the economy in America these days. I mean, compared to roofing houses, buying punk records on Ebay is the life, so I guess I'm starting to see things from more of what you would call and establishment perspective.

A final note, I may have to give up this column in the near future as my contract with the firm prohibits me from writing for "industry or trade publications which may render a conflict of interest to collectible investment transactions." I've asked my lawyer and the firm's lawyer to determine if this includes MRR. Depending on how those negotiations proceed I may not be writing here any more, but you can bet I'll still buy MRR for the ads!

Publication Date:
January 1, 1988

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